Worth a Thousand Words

I said in my first post that I would share more about my symptoms, and so I will. However the thought of writing the whole story out is daunting, so I'm going to use this picture book I created last month. I had been feeling anxious about seeing another doctor, a urogynecologist who specializes in pelvic pain, and about telling him my symptoms. The list is rather long, and not all of the symptoms appeared at once, but over the course of a year--in fact I could add to the list since I made the book! And yet I felt and I still feel the symptoms are connected. I was afraid I would forget something, or the doctor wouldn't want to hear about something seemingly outside of his or her specialty. I made this book as a bit of art therapy to help me get my thoughts in order and I thought I might use it as a tool to explain my story to doctors. I have shown it to three doctors. Only one commented about how very helpful it was, but it was helpful to ME in all three cases.

Here is my book.

Who am I to feel this pain?

This is my first post here, so I should begin with a little bit of background information.  This is a blog about my personal experience with chronic pain. I have been doing a lot of searching, and thinking lately about what I am experiencing--searching the internet for clues and possible causes, and thinking about how it all fits together. In case you are wondering what my condition is---so am I! I have some ideas, but still no diagnosis! You can visit this post on my other blog if you'd like to read more about my specific symptoms. 

 I expect I will probably share more details here in future posts, but today I just wanted to explain the name of the blog. I realize that "Exquisite Joy" is a rather ironic name for a blog about chronic pain. However, it isn't meant to be ironic.  The "power of positive thinking" and the "mind and body connection" are ideas that come up over and over in my research about dealing with chronic pelvic pain --and any chronic pain for that  matter.  Sometimes, when I am really in pain, I find it nearly impossible to be positive. I know there are so many people are dealing with more painful, and challenging things than I am, sometimes even life threatening things. I am aware that even many people suffering with pelvic pain similar to mine have suffered years--sometimes decades-- longer than I have. Who am I to feel this pain?! But the pain I have been in for the last year, gets me so depressed sometimes. I worry that I may never get better. I feel overwhelmed and useless when I must stay in bed. I begin to berate myself for "wallowing in my pain" for not sucking it up, and getting on with life. Of course, that kind of thinking makes me feel worse still--like I am unworthy of feeling better!

The other day I was walking at the Cincinnati Nature Center and I had an epiphany. When I walk at the nature center, I begin to physically feel better, and I soak in the beauty of life around me. The other day when I was there, I began to realize that it is simply my nature to feel things deeply. I cry watching the news as I hear of the death of a pilot I've never met, I soak up the anxiety of anyone around me, and this physical pain seems to hurt my very soul. But I also feel deep soothing calm at the sound, sight and smell of summer rain, I feel extreme pleasure in creating something with my hands, I feel awestruck at the ocean no matter how many times I see it, and sights like bright fall foliage against a vivid blue sky, or a pink and purple sunset are practically intoxicating! The "buzz" of a day spent with people I love can last for days, a smile from My Love of nearly 30 years still makes my heart flutter same way it did when our love was new, and the touch of his hand in mine as we walk fills me with emotions beyond words. The same hypersensitivity that has me soaking my pillowcase with hopeless tears, is also what gives me the capacity to experience exquisite joy! It is a gift, and I am thankful for it! I'm writing this blog to help me remember that.